"In her glass was a bleeding man..."

...and if you try sometimes you just might find...

I can't say that I have ever been truly surprised by an MSN Messenger conversation. Usually, these conversations are fairly light-hearted and nothing of great importance is ever typed. That was until last night. It was not just the conversation itself, it was the implications that went along with it. The conversation opened my eyes to a situation I never knew existed, and least I didn't know I knew it existed.

I found out last night that I am someone's unattainable girl. Or was someone's unattainable girl. I have never been unattainable (at least to my knowledge) and thought I always played the "attainable card." Still, I found out last night that there was someone who had truly wanted a relationship with me, but thought that I was too far a stretch for him.

Last night he thanked me for this. This took me aback. Usually if I want something, I don't thank the person who is inhibiting me from getting it. But he did; he thanked me for not letting his feelings for me change the way I viewed and acted around him. But that's the thing: I didn't know there were feelings that should be changing my opinion of him! Even more convoluted is the fact that I think he is a great guy--perhaps relationship material.

But, no. I was unattainable. After he informed me of his former feelings for me, we started looking at how things could have been different if I had known what he was thinking. Things could have worked out between the two of us. Things might not have. He has a girlfriend now (not a great one...I am not a big fan as a matter of fact, but that is neither here nor there) who he would not be dating if we had gotten together. Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am at right now, but it is a little bittersweet to think that I could be somewhere else.

Somewhere that I wouldn't be against being. Sometimes you just want to know that there is someone there, but I lost my "there" person by being unknowingly unattainable. I purposely make myself look attainable for precisely that reason--I want to be.

This whole thing really came out of left field--way left field. And now I am thinking about things that never were and never can be and I had the power to change that, but didn't. And I don't want anyone to think I want sympathy--yeah, I know that "it must be tough to have guys wanting you." Because I have heard that before. But it is different when the ball was in my court without my realizing it and I blew it. Kinda sucks.

~~However~~
-I have 7 pages left on my paper whose topic I broadened so as to make my life easier...it is now about homosexuality in Victorian England and how it impacted the works of Oscar Wilde.
-I have to get my oil changed today.
-I am getting my eyebrows done at 12:30.
-I have 1 hour, 43 minutes of work left for the week.
--These things give me something to think about other than stupid MSN. It's gonna be a long day.

...you get what you need."